Election '08 Glossary

Brought to you courtesy of the fine folks at The Onion!

absentee ballot: A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

ballot: An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

caucus: The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.

convention: The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

corruption: The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

debate: A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

delegate: A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.

democracy: A moderately representative plutocracy.

Diebold voting machine: A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

election worker: A male or female at least 70 years of age.

electoral college: A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

experience: A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

hope: An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

likability: The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of shit.

lobbyist: A better-paid legislator.

MoveOn.org: A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.

platform: A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss; or
A raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.

political consultants: Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for office themselves.

pollster: A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

voter apathy: The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.