Three's Company: The New Season!

Come and knock on our door...

Starring:

Sarah Palin as Janet Wood

Elizabeth Hasselback as Chrissy Snow

Joe Lieberman as Mr. Furley

John Edwards as Jack Tripper

Mitt Romney as Larry Dallas

George & Laura Bush as Stanley & Helen Roper

Laura Ingraham as Cindy Snow

Anne Coulter as Terri Alden

Wazzzzzzup 2008

The Republican Whisperer

So, you've got yourself a Republican and you don't quite know how to tame the beast? You're not alone. Many Republicans are wild, aggressive and ferrell. As a whole their species has only recently started to become domesticated.

You must learn the psychology of your Republican in order to curb his naughty behaviors. According to a recent article in Scientific American:

Positive personality traits associated with liberalism (self-reliant, resilient, dominating and energetic) and negative ones attributed to conservatism (easily victimized or offended, indecisive, fearful and rigid) appear as young as nursery school–age kids—and correlate with those children's political beliefs in adulthood...

So, where possible, it's important to start training your Republican at a young age.

However, if you have missed the youthful window of opportunity it's never too late to take some basic, remedial actions.

First things first: you must establish a fearless pack leader. Your Republican will instantly feel at ease when he knows who is clearly in charge.

From the Scientific American article we learn that:

Conservatives have a need for order, for there not to be ambiguity...needing to have everything lined up and organized so that one feels one's environment is predictable and therefore safe.

Therefore, you can put your Republican further at ease by establishing a regular routine.

Start by feeding him at least two nutritious meals each day. Republicans are known to enjoy both eating their words and eating their own, but experts recommend curbing their overzealous indulgence in red meat in favor of something a bit more moderate and less tasteful so as not to upset their sensitive tummies.

Also, make sure your Republican gets plenty of fresh air and long walks each day. And when it becomes necessary for you to leave your Republican home alone, try to create a secure, safe space for him until you return.

The article also points out that:

Scientists linked the strength of a person's startle response to their political leanings: conservatives tended to scare easier, blinking harder than liberals when they heard a loud noise.

So, one way to teach your Republican what's wrong with all that's Right is to make a loud, startling noise every time he or she begins indulging in undesirable behaviors.

For example, when you're relaxing and watching television with your Republican and he starts agreeing with that filthy right wing pundit polluting your airwaves, simply bang some pots and pans together right next to his head until he quiets down and begins blinking incessantly.

Now, we know that Republicans have notorious potty training problems, often spreading their excrement in the most inappropriate places. Controversial though it may be, experts believe the most satisfactory solution to this problem is to rub their faces in it.

Armed with these techniques and a whole lot of patience most experts believe that your Republican can change his unsavory ways.

Failing that, we recommend you have the rabid beast put to sleep and try a new breed altogether.

McCain: "Viagra will raise the DOW!"

This is a gem. The folks over at the National Review made the following strategy suggestion to McCain for his performance tonight in the third and final presidential debate:

What demeanor should McCain display tonight? Angry doesn't work. Solemn doesn't work. Fake-smiley doesn't work. Instead, McCain should go back to his roots and unleash his inner smart-aleck. If Obama accuses him of being erratic in a crisis, he should say: "So I'm erotic in a crisis? Who knew?"

PLEASE, PLEASE let McCain take their advice!! Ahahahaha

New McCain Ad Leaked! Special Preview Here:

Betty White Punditry

The Kitchen Sink

Just who is Barack Hussein Obama?? Well, we dug deep into his background and uncovered these shocking secrets!!

Obama is a Chinese Communist!!


Obama is a peeper!!


Obama to star in sequel to Brokeback Mountain!!


Obama supports grafitti!!


Obama surgically removed from conjoined twin Al Gore!!


Obama kidnaps white baby!!


Obama joins radical resistance group!!


Obama kicks wife and kids to the curb!!


Obama gives Americans the finger!!


Daughter watches as Obama gets laid!!


So, this election day, we urge you Joe and Jane Sixpacks out there to ask yourself if this perverted, radical, communist, baby-stealing, grafitti artist is the guy you want with his finger on the button!

Palin Disney Trailor

Fox News Post VP Debate "Analysis"

You cannot even make this shit up.

BARNES: He's better qualified than she is by a longshot, but, she's not going to have to be president right away, we hope, let's pray. Uh, and so is she capable of learning? Sure. Does she connect with average people? Absolutely. And I think that he tends towards senate-speak.

KONDRACKE: One other thing though, when she's at her best, she's in a good mood. She was obviously in a good mood tonight.

HUME: Yes, she did seem happy to be there and cheerful. And it didn't hurt...

KONDRACKE: When she's a little chirpy

HUME: ... that, look, Joe Biden, he looks kinda like me. He's getting on in years. She's younger.

KRISTOL: You do an injustice to yourself there.

BARNES: It helps to be in a good mood.

HUME: It also helps to be physically attractive, which she certainly is. I'm not saying he's not but she's more so and everybody can agree on that point.

Palin Goes Misery on Katie Couric

Poor Katie Couric gets her left wing leg broken in this hilarious "Misery" inspired spoof.

Left Wingnut Franken is Keeping It Real

In What Respect, Charlie?

You, too, can interview Sarah Palin! Try this hilarious random Palin interview answer generator.

For example:

Q: Why should the US elect Senator McCain?
A: John McCain has a great plan to get people to understand that the lobbyists play in an issue that we take the fight over there. Oil and coal? Of course, it's a fungible commodity and they do not have to lead, as I said, to a position like we are able to speak with him the other day and giving him my commitment, as John McCain's running mate, that we work together on this, and not choosing a real easy path where he could be more comfortable and certainly taking shots from the other party, also. Americans are just getting sick and tired of that is what it leads us to remind Russia that it's Americans that get stuck to holding the bag without the energy source that is strong and that important an issue that we will be committed to Georgia.

Mini McCain

Mini McCain - Watch more free videos

Failout

Got Milf?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

MADLIB OF THE WEEK

If you’d like to volunteer to contribute the fill-ins for a future MADLIB OF THE WEEK, email me.

This week’s words contributed by:
A sharp-witted, creative friend who wishes to remain anonymous

This week’s submission:
An excerpt from Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson of ABC News.

Sarah Palin:


CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
Can you look the country in the eye and say, I have the experience, and I have the ability to be not just vice president, but perhaps president of the United States of America?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
I do, Charlie, and on January 20th, when John McCain and I are sworn in, if we are so privileged to be elected to serve this country, we’ll be ready. I’m ready.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
When McCain asked you to take the number two spot on the ticket, for a moment, did you think no?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
I did not. I thought yes, right off the bat. When he offered me the position, as his running mate, the first thing I said to him was, if you really think that I can help perform cunnilingus, if you really think I can help perform cunnilingus, absolutely, I want to do this with you.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
And you didn’t say to yourself, am I experienced enough? Am I ready?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
I didn’t hesitate, no.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
Doesn’t that take some hubris?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
I answered him yes because I have the confidence in that readiness. And knowing that you can’t blink. You have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country, and victory in Chutes and Ladders. You can’t transmogrify. So, I didn’t transmogrify then even, when asked to run as his running mate.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
But this is not just reforming a government. This is also running a government on the huge international stage, in a very dangerous world. When I asked John McCain about your national security credentials, he cited the fact you have command of the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. Are those sufficient credentials?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
But it is about reform of government. And it’s about putting government back on the side of the people. And that has much to do with foreign policy and national security issues. Let me speak specifically about a credential that I do bring to this table, Charlie. And that’s with the scrapbooking that I’ve been working on for these years, as the governor of this state, that produces nearly 20% of the US domestic supply of scrapbooking. That I worked on as chairman of the Alaska Scrapbooking Commission, overseeing the design sense of the girls I went to junior high school with in our state, to produce more for the United States.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
National security is a lot more than scrapbooking.

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
It is. But I want you to not lose sight of the fact that scrapbooking is a foundation of national security. It’s that important. It’s that comatose.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
Did you ever travel outside of the country prior to your trip to Kuwait and Germany last year?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
St. Helena. The Moon. And then, yeah, that trip that was a trip of a lifetime, to visit our troops in Kuwait and stop and visit our injured soldiers in Germany. That was a trip of a lifetime and it changed my life.

CHARLES GIBSON (ABC NEWS)
Have you ever met a foreign head of state?

GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN (REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE)
I have not. And I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you. But Charlie, again, we got to remember what the desire is in this nation, at this time. It is for "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. And somebody’s big, fat big toe maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yeah, they’ve had opportunity to meet heads of state.

Cindy McBleep

White House Gift Shop

Find these and other goodies at the White House Gift Shop.

Best of Bush Montage

Absolutely No Experience Required. None.

The Bush Administration is seeking a few good power-grubbing, souless hacks to help carry out our mission to destroy the world before the end of our final term. If you're currently unemployed, breathing, easily influenced, and lacking any significant moral fortitude, boy howdy have we got jobs for you!

With the American public so distracted by the election and the economic fallout, you'll have free reign to basically do whatever the f&%k you want. AND, there's more! If you apply before Friday we'll throw in a special Presidential Pardon Guarantee as a signing bonus!

But you must hurry! There's not much time left to apply for a job with the Bush Administration.

PDA Revives Stock Market

Topping The Ticket

A Best of Bush Classic

Bushercize

Tinah Falin

Breaking News: New Photobucket/Flickr Poll Shows Big Bounce for McCain

Check out McCain's hilarious secret weapon voting demographic.

Department of Interior Employee To Do List

Appointments:

7:45am Blow Greg

10:00am Phone Interview for p/t oil consulting gig

2:30pm Threesome with sluts from Conico Phillips

Other to do:

1. Confirm Aspen reservation
2. Pick Up Toby Keith tickets
3. Snort meth off toaster oven

Election '08 Glossary

Brought to you courtesy of the fine folks at The Onion!

absentee ballot: A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

ballot: An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

caucus: The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.

convention: The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

corruption: The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

debate: A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

delegate: A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.

democracy: A moderately representative plutocracy.

Diebold voting machine: A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

election worker: A male or female at least 70 years of age.

electoral college: A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

experience: A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

hope: An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

likability: The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of shit.

lobbyist: A better-paid legislator.

MoveOn.org: A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.

platform: A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss; or
A raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.

political consultants: Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for office themselves.

pollster: A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

voter apathy: The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.

Extreme Swift Boating

Size Matters

Terminate Prop 8

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Starrzy urges fellow Californians to vote HELL NO on Proposition 8.

McBush

Reader Poll

MADLIB OF THE WEEK

I am so pleased to bring you our first MADLIB OF THE WEEK, a new regular feature here at Political Correctol. Basically, we’ll be flambéing public speeches, press releases, interview transcripts and other statements made by our friends and foes in the political world. Each week I’ll be asking my fellow bloggers, assorted family members, friends, and maybe a few random people off the street to provide the nouns, verbs, adjectives, catchphrases, and other fill-ins. Contributors will have no prior knowledge of the subject matter. If you’d like to volunteer to contribute the fill-ins for a future MADLIB OF THE WEEK, email me.

This week’s words contributed by:
Stod

This week’s submission:
An excerpt from John McCain’s speech at the 2008 Republican National Convention

John McCain:

You well know I've been called a maverick, someone who...
... someone who makes sex tapes. Sometimes it's meant as a compliment; sometimes it's not. What it really means is I understand who I work for. I don't work for a party. I don't work for a special interest. I don't work for myself. I work for Mattel.

I've fought corruption, and it didn't matter if the culprits were Democrats or teenagers. They violated their public trust, and they had to be held accountable.

I've fought the big spenders...

I've fought the big spenders in both parties, who waste your money on things you neither need nor want, and the first big-spending pork-barrel earmark bill that comes across my desk, I will dance. I will make them famous, and you will know their names. You will know their names.

We're not going to allow that while you struggle to buy groceries, fill your gas tank, and make your mortgage payment. I've fought to get million-dollar checks out of our elections. I've fought lobbyists who stole from Indian tribes. I've fought crooked deals in the Pentagon. I've fought tobacco companies and trial lawyers, drug companies and candle makers.

I've fought for the right strategy and more troops in Iraq when it wasn't the popular thing to do.

And when the pundits said -- when the pundits said my campaign was finished, I said “Wang dang doodle!”

And thanks -- thanks to the leadership of a dry general, David Petraeus, and the brave men and women he has the honor to command...
... that -- that strategy succeeded, and it rescued us from a defeat that would have demoralized our military, risked a wider war, and threatened the security of all nuns.

I don't mind a good fight. For reasons known only to Eddie Vedder, I've had quite a few tough ones in my life. But I learned an important lesson along the way: a man who stands up on the toilet is high on pot.

I fight for Americans. I fight for O.J. Simpson.

Why I Should Be The Vice President

Strong foreign relations experience-- I once spent a day shopping in Tijuana for a sombrero

Virtual expert on energy-- I fill up on gas at least once a week and turn off all the lights before I leave for work each morning

Strong moral values-- I never put the ice cube tray back in the freezer with fewer than five cubes without filling it up first

Ingenuity in economic policy-- I cut big spending by using generic brand toilet paper and reduced my deficit by fixing couch loopholes to re-collect loose change

A real maverick, reformer-- I have been known to wear white after Labor Day

George Palin

Check out more photoshop fun from the hilarious fans of The Stephanie Miller Show.

Track Palin is a Radical Islamic Terrorist

Check this out for a good laugh.

Palin Baby Name Generator

Find out what your Palin Baby Name is.