So, you've got yourself a Republican and you don't quite know how to tame
the beast? You're not alone. Many Republicans are
wild, aggressive and ferrell. As a whole their species has only recently started to
become domesticated.
You must learn the
psychology of your Republican in order to curb his
naughty behaviors. According to a
recent article in Scientific American:
Positive personality traits associated with liberalism (self-reliant, resilient, dominating and energetic) and negative ones attributed to conservatism (easily victimized or offended, indecisive, fearful and rigid) appear as young as nursery school–age kids—and correlate with those children's political beliefs in adulthood...
So, where possible, it's important to
start training your Republican at a young age.
However, if
you have missed the youthful window of opportunity it's never too late to take some basic, remedial actions.
First things first: you must establish a
fearless pack leader. Your Republican will instantly feel at ease when he knows
who is clearly in charge.
From the Scientific American article we learn that:
Conservatives have a need for order, for there not to be ambiguity...needing to have everything lined up and organized so that one feels one's environment is predictable and therefore safe.
Therefore, you can put your Republican further at ease by establishing a regular routine.
Start by feeding him at least two nutritious meals each day. Republicans are known to enjoy both
eating their words and
eating their own, but experts recommend curbing their
overzealous indulgence in red meat in favor of something a bit
more moderate and less tasteful so as not to upset their sensitive tummies.
Also, make sure your Republican gets plenty of
fresh air and
long walks each day. And when it becomes necessary for you to leave your Republican home alone, try to create a
secure, safe space for him until you return.
The article also points out that:
Scientists linked the strength of a person's startle response to their political leanings: conservatives tended to scare easier, blinking harder than liberals when they heard a loud noise.
So, one way to teach your Republican
what's wrong with all that's Right is to make a
loud, startling noise every time he or she begins indulging in undesirable behaviors.
For example, when you're relaxing and watching television with your Republican and he starts agreeing with that
filthy right wing pundit polluting your airwaves, simply bang some pots and pans together right next to his head until he quiets down and begins
blinking incessantly.
Now, we know that Republicans have
notorious potty training problems, often
spreading their excrement in the most inappropriate places. Controversial though it may be, experts believe the most satisfactory solution to this problem is to
rub their faces in it.
Armed with these techniques and a
whole lot of patience most experts believe that
your Republican can change his unsavory ways.
Failing that, we recommend you have the rabid beast
put to sleep and
try a new breed altogether.
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